Journey to Surrender

This is a continuation of my series “What If…” that started back here, in case you want to catch the whole series or browse through the entire list of what-if posts.

Last time we covered what to do if you are a woman married to a man who refuses to lead, refuses to take up his God-given authority to loving lead his wife as Christ does the church. This time we’ll look at the opposite case, where a husband takes up that authority, but abuses it by acting in an autocratic or dictatorial manner.

In many ways this is the more difficult case for a wife to deal with, because the dictatorial husband thinks he is acting in accordance with scripture by being the head of his wife and demanding his wife’s submission. In many cases, a husband’s behavior may not be entirely overt, but rather may simply entail an attitude of entitlement and elitism that interprets his position as superior and his own rights as more important. He may be overly controlling and/or constantly push his wife to submit to him or he may be dismissive in more subtle ways.

First of all let me say that it is this attitude in men that has done more damage to the bridal paradigm than anything else. It is precisely the wrong-headed, heavy-handed, rights- oriented actions of men, generations over, that spawned the feminist movement. I also believe it is fear of this kind of attitude and action that has caused the church to shrink back from the biblical definition of marriage and godly authority in the home. The cost of this has been enormous.

So what is a wife to about a husband who sees himself more as a dictator than a sacrificial servant?

1. Conversation

In my last post I started with encouraging the wife of a husband who doesn’t lead at all to start with education. Not so in this case, because generally the heavy-handed husband is often already aware of the scriptures that call for headship and submission. The problem is that he simply isn’t enlightenment to an accurate picture of the bridal paradigm, which calls him to the posture of sacrificial, servant-hearted leadership that nurtures, enables and beautifies his wife.

The place to start is conversation. If your husband is accustomed to dismissing your input and feelings (which many autocrats are) it will be a challenge to get him to really listen. It is important to approach him in a non-threatening way, not as a challenge to him or his authority, but in the interest of a stronger, better marriage and a deeper bond of intimacy. You can begin with your own journey of discovery into what it means to submit to him as the church does to Christ, and then naturally progress into the question of what does he think it means for him to love you as Christ does the church. In this case you are not trying to instruct him, but to get him to ask questions of himself and to challenge his own way of thinking.


2. Identify the Path of Separation

If you’ve been suffering under a controlling husband for a long time, understandably your own heart may have grown cold and distant toward him, and you may have become offended at the notion of submission and authority. You may have felt the need to stand up for your own rights because your husband in not doing so. Perhaps you’ve even slipped into a pattern of trying to take your husband down a notch, knock him off his high horse, so to speak, with verbal jabs, acts of defiance or accusing him to your friends and family. Or perhaps you’ve simply withdrawn from him, giving up hope for genuine intimacy.

This kind of reaction is a natural part of what I call the path of separation, which results when one spouse goes off the biblical path of God’s design for marriage. The path of separation is an increasingly divergent one, wherein each response and counter-response to hurt or neglect pushes the couple into behaviors that are increasing self-protective and/or self-assertive, behaviors that run in opposition to the bridal paradigm. In many instances, the start down this path is subtle, maybe even almost unnoticeable, but the longer this tit-for-tat goes on, the wider the gap between you grows.

3. Choose the Path of Intimacy

In order to reverse this degenerative trend, someone has to break the cycle. Someone has to reach across the gap, which may be large at this point, and extend the hand of love and grace that can put you back on the path of intimacy. If you’re a wife whose husband has initiated the detour down the path of separation, the first step back onto the path of intimacy is to discover whether you have chosen to follow him down this path of separation, either by choice or by natural response.

Once you have made an honest assessment of where you are, then you can choose to take a different path. If your husband is authoritarian, it may seem counter-intuitive to respond with respect and admiration. If he consistently reminds you of your duty to submit, it may seem weak-minded and enabling if you offer him your submission. But in many cases, if you reach across the gap and offer the very thing he needs, you will discover that he has less need to push for his own rights and to use his authority in a self-serving manner.

As challenging as it might seem, when you offer your husband the gift of your surrender out of a genuine desire to love him in the way he wants and needs to be loved, it will break the cycle and pull you both back onto the path of intimacy, wherein he will grow in his desire to do the same for you.

4. Important Caveat

Let me be clear. I am not addressing the case where a husband is abusive toward his wife. Further, I am in no way encouraging a wife to become a doormat for her husband or to simply serve his every whim and dictate. Couples that are too far down the path of separation require qualified, serious marital counseling. If you feel you’ve already been consistently reaching across the gap without meaningful results, it may be time for professional intervention by your pastor or a counselor or even another couple whose marriage you both admire.



If you have come to the end of this post and feel disappointed by the suggestions I’ve offered, I understand. It may seem like I’m asking you to simply suck it up and submit, but that’s really not what I’m getting at, not at all. If a husband and wife both love each other and genuinely desire a better marriage, sometimes all it takes to get off the path of separation and onto the path of intimacy is for someone to reach across the divide. As the wife of a heavy-handed husband, I’m asking you to be the one to do the reaching, even if you think your chance of success is small.

Extend your hand with the gift of your surrender and watch him respond with love. See to his (often unspoken) need for respect, trust and admiration, and watch him respond with tenderness, sacrifice and concern for your needs and desires. It may sound a little crazy, but I genuinely believe that your simple act of faith and love in reaching for your husband in this manner can begin to shift the atmosphere in your marriage.

Cover your actions in prayer, season them with grace, and obey the nudging of the Holy Spirit inside you. Then watch the intimacy grow as your husband begins to see the Christ-like role that God has called him to as your husband. It really can happen.

Next time: What If…My Wife Won’t Let Me Lead?