Journey to Surrender

I’m just beginning to digest some of the reader survey results (more on that in an upcoming post). Something that stood out was a clear interest in the topic of intimacy. The question was intentionally vague, so before we unpack the subject very much we should try to define this elusive, ubiquitous goal of intimacy that we all seek in our marriages.

I should start by saying I don’t know that there is one right answer to this complex question. If there is, then I surely don’t have it! But the question is certainly worth exploring, and I hope you will comment with your own definition of intimacy. We can all learn from each other.

Intimacy has commonly become an interchangeable euphemism for sex, which somewhat shortchanges the concept. On top of sexual intimacy, you also hear phrases like emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy and even intellectual intimacy. You also see conflicting opinions on the importance of intimacy in marriage. There’s the camp that says it is the most important ingredient for a happy marriage. And then there are those who say an overemphasis on intimacy causes marital gridlock.

So what are we to make of all this intimacy business? Like I said, I don’t really know the answer, or even if there is a single right answer. But I have two theorems on intimacy, and I’d love to get your feedback on them.


Bringing Your Whole Being

The fullest and most enduring kind of marital intimacy is the kind that involves the entirety of your being: spirit, soul and body.

As it is in our relationship with God, marital intimacy starts with spiritual intimacy. It’s at least partly tied up in the “great mystery” Paul describes in Ephesians 5 when he talks about a man and woman becoming “one flesh,” quoting from Genesis.

Next comes intimacy of the soul (mind, will and emotions). Some call this emotional intimacy, romantic intimacy, and others toss in intellectual intimacy. I think all three of our soul’s components are part of the equation here – something we commonly describe as being soul mates.

Last but not least we have physical intimacy. Yes, sure, we are talking sex. But we are also talking about non-sexual touch, kissing, massage and every other aspect of the joining of our physical bodies.

To me there is a logical progression in these areas, or an intimacy food chain, if you will. My food chain theory goes like this. Spiritual intimacy paves the way for intimacy in the realm of the soul, which in turn provides fertile ground for physical intimacy. I think that’s the best, most enduring path to intimacy. Sure, you can have physical intimacy without the other components, but in general it will be shallow and meaningless without them. Likewise, it’s much easier to be intimate with our thoughts and feelings if we have a firm foundation of spiritual intimacy.

Naked Without Shame

I have a fairly simple definition of intimacy:

Genuine intimacy comes from being fully known and completely loved.

If you take intimacy out of the marital context for a moment you’ll see what I mean. Think of your closest friends. These are the ones who you are comfortable being yourself with, the ones who you know accept you for who you are, the ones where you are free to get real with each other, without judgment or fear. It’s no different in marriage.

Intimacy with Jesus is really the same thing too, isn’t it? It’s that whole bridal paradigm thing all over again. We come to him in our weakness and brokenness, and how does he respond? Total love, acceptance and forgiveness. Oh, that we can get the amazing power and intimacy of this kind of grace and apply it to our marriages.

The phrase I often use for this kind of intimacy is “naked without shame.” It comes from Genesis. In the context of God giving us the one-flesh directive for marriage, look what comes next.

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.”    Genesis 2:24-25

That’s right, naked and unashamed. I love that! Just as being one flesh is about so much more than physical intimacy, so is being naked without shame about so much more than having sex with the lights on! It’s about bringing the fullness of who you are to your marriage, without fear of rejection or judgment, and receiving total love and acceptance from your spouse in return. It also means receiving their nakedness in the same fashion.  That is the pathway to real intimacy.

This is a simple in concept, perhaps, but difficult to achieve in reality. Fear and shame are such powerful forces. Past hurts and disappointments, human frailty and strong emotions all will send you running for the fig leaves. But hopefully, as you learn to give and receive grace, you’ll gradually get comfortable taking them off.

What do you think of my two intimacy theorems? What is your own definition of intimacy and how to achieve and sustain it in marriage?

(For more on this topic, see my series “On Being One Flesh” listed in the “Notable Series” widget on the left sidebar.)