Journey to Surrender

In my last post I wrote that I try not to apply sweeping generalizations to groups of people or make universal statements. However, while the poll I put up as part of that post is far from scientific, the results are pretty convincing..

The results shown in the chart below certainly seem to reinforce the idea that men and women are indeed rather different creatures when it comes to their core needs.

The top two needs for husbands, being respected and admired, accounted for 68 of husbands' reported greatest needs from their wives. That compares to only 9% of wives report these two as their greatest needs from their husbands.

For wives, the top two needs from their husbands by far were feeling cared for and maintaining emotional intimacy. These two needs accounted for an astounding 75% of the wives’ top needs, whereas only 5% of husbands stated one of these two as their top need.

These differences are dramatic and important to understand for several reasons. There’s no doubt that God was rather purposeful when “He created them male and female.” Ours is to figure out this divine puzzle for the benefit of our marriages.

First, our natural inclination is to give love in accordance with our own needs. Simply put, we tend to love how we want to be loved. But clearly that doesn’t work in most cases, because your spouse’s greatest needs are likely to be very different from your own. It is critically important to keep in mind the fact that your needs are mostly or completely foreign to your spouse.

Second, in order for you to learn to love your spouse how THEY want to be loved, you are likely going to have to learn some new ways of thinking, to put some things on your radar that may not naturally be there. You need to become a student of your spouse’s desires and needs, and appreciate that this is a lifelong endeavor.

Third, have grace for your husband or wife as they work toward understanding and meeting your needs. They might be navigating a very foreign territory! Help him or her learn to love you in a non-demanding way.


What do you think of these findings? Were you surprised at the extent of the differences? Do these ring true for your own marriage?