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Thursday, July 26, 2012
1:34 PM | Posted by
Scott
I write a lot
about what I think the purpose of marriage is. It is the thing that drives what
I do here.
The truth is
that what you do in your marriage is also driven by what you think its purpose
is, whether consciously or unconsciously.
What you do follows from what you believe your purpose to be.
So here I
have a very important question that I want you to genuinely wrestle with today: What do you
believe the purpose of your marriage is?
The Purpose of Purpose
As I said,
you have more or less formulated a purpose for your marriage already (as you
have for rest of your life). And you are already living according to it.
But if you
haven’t actually given thought to this question of your marriage’s purpose,
then chances are you are more-or-less living on marriage with an un-programmed autopilot,
meandering your way toward an unacknowledged destination, taking an unknown route.
If, then, you
are living according to some purpose, isn’t it much better to actually be
purposeful about it?
So here is my
challenge to you. Complete this sentence:
The purpose
of my marriage is ____________.
I encourage
you to give some serious thought and prayer to this little sentence. It’s CRITICALLY
important.
The Path to Purpose
Doing this
one thing, doing it carefully, carries with it the potential to radically
impact your marriage journey.
Here are a
few pointers about finding your purpose:
- Don’t just write down the first thing that pops into your head – take your time, wrestle with it.
- Don’t put down what you think you “should” – it needs to be something that you personally believe in.
- Don’t just copy something you heard someone else say (even me) – someone else should not define the purpose of your marriage.
- Ideally, it is something you and your spouse should discuss and pray over together – but that is not an absolute requirement, especially if you are not in a place where that kind of conversation would be possible and fruitful.
- It’s okay if you and your spouse each have unique aspects to your purpose statements, as long as they complement each other.
- Purpose and mission are two different things. Not everyone agrees, but I think of it this way: a purpose statement is more about how you believe, whereas a mission statement is more about what you do. Put another way purpose is why behind the what of your mission.
- Ultimately your marriage purpose statement should be something you can get behind with your whole heart.
Talk with
your spouse, write a draft, edit it, pray over it, edit it some more. Once you have crafted a statement you are
happy with, write it down somewhere prominent where you can refer to it
often.
If you are comfortable
with doing so, I’d love to have some of you share what you came up with in the
comments below.
Next time: Living Your Purpose
Image credit: The
Legacy Project
Friday, July 20, 2012
Priorities
I’ve been writing
about the dramatic rise in the number of divorces of people over 50, referred
to as gray divorce. You can catch up with the Introduction, Remedy 1 and Remedy2 to get the whole picture.
Today I’m
concluding this little series on the factors that contribute to marriages
dissolving as couples get older, although, of course, the damage these things
do to marriage is not limited to those of use with graying hair.
Today’s issue
is the last of the three that I’ve written on, but it is perhaps even more to blame
for gray divorce than either of the others we’ve discussed.
Today I’m
talking about priorities.
Today’s Choices Affect Your Tomorrow
It’s
incredible how much we have competing for our time and attention - perhaps more
than at any time in history. The
pressure to have it all, do it all, and excel at all is pervasive in today’s
western culture.
We tend to
live our lives in such a driven fashion that it’s easy to unknowingly trade the
important for the immediate. I know this because I’ve done it many times
in my own life.
While there are
an infinite number of distractions that we can allow to detract from our
marriages, I’m going to focus on just two – and they are biggies.
The Parent Trap
There is more
parenting advice available today than ever.
It seems we are preoccupied with becoming the perfect parents and
raising perfect children. Here’s an amazing little statistic to point out that
fact:
Now I have nothing
against Mommy blogs. That is NOT my point, so don’t flame me. Kids are
extremely important, and we are charged with their care and nurture. We need to do it well. The
problem comes when we put our kids ahead of our marriage.
Two facts
that may help you to keep the priority of your marriage ahead of your children:
- The best thing you can do for your kids is to have a strong marriage. Showing your kids what respect and sacrificial love look like will bear fruit into multiple generations.
- You and your spouse are one; you and your children are not. Your marriage relationship is based on a unique kind of covenant. Don’t make the mistake of relegating it to equal status with any other relationship, including the one with your kids.
The Quest for Success
Particularly
in America, the desire for more “stuff” is engrained in our marketing-saturated
culture. Success is defined by having the most toys, the highest corporate
position, the most influence or the biggest bank account.
Can I just
point out that NONE of these definitions of success lines up with the Kingdom
of God. Yes, I believe God wants to
bless and prosper us, but I believe it breaks His heart when we sacrifice our
time, effort and attention for worldly success to the detriment of our
marriages. That’s always a bad trade!
Typically men
fall into the success trap more than women, whereas women tend to have more
difficulty keeping their husband prioritized over their children. In truth, though, such stereotypes are shifting
with the huge increase in women in the workforce and the increase in the number
of stay-at-home dads.
No matter,
the issues are the same for men or women: success in your marriage is more
important than the worldly success that presses in all around us.
The Ultimate Number One
I would be
remiss if I talked about priorities without mentioning the most important
priority of all: your personal walk with
Jesus. This is the one thing that we all
need to maintain as the highest priority of all. Yes, it’s easy to lose sight of that truth,
but I encourage you to continually challenge yourself to get closer to God, because
when we do that everything else we do, from marriage to parenting to careers,
will flow much easier out the place of intimacy with God.
Getting your
priorities in line and living accordingly is not something we do once and move
on. Because there are so many forces acting against our priorities, we all need
to continually be vigilant and watchful.
Maybe some of this has struck a chord with you. Maybe you are feeling
convicted about having some of your priorities out of whack. It’s never too late to make changes and to
have those changes bear fruit in your life and your marriage.
What changes do you need
to make to your priorities today?
Related posts:
Mommy blog graphic
courtesy of mashable.com
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Taming the "Me-Monster"
I’ve been writing
about the dramatic rise in the number of divorces of people over 50, referred
to as Gray Divorce. You might want to go
back and read my introductory post explaining the statistics behind the phenomena.
I knew I would evoke some negative responses by writing about a painful topic like divorce. I have received several comments and emails from some hurting divorced individuals who either felt accused by my statements or who claimed that the things I am proposing don’t work – or at least didn’t work for them.
Before I start on another suggested cause and remedy for gray divorce, I want to reiterate here that this is not meant to be an accusation against those who find themselves divorced. I also want to make it clear that while I strongly believe the principles I describe to be right and true, they offer no guarantee, because a marriage relationship involves people who are free to make choices. Some will choose poorly.
My last post was Part 1 of my suggested remedies for the gray divorce epidemic. In it I explained that one of the forces working against long-lasting marriages is the notion that has emerged with the baby boomer generation, also known as the “me generation,” that the purpose of marriage is essentially our own personal happiness. If this were true, then our marriages can be sustained only as long as our fickle and fleeting feelings are maintained. Instead, I say, let’s look at marriage as a covenant, about something higher than ourselves and our own happiness. Let’s also make a decision to find happiness inside ourselves and in God.
(For a little further inspiration along that line, I suggest you read this post from Fawn at The Happy Wives Club, where she describes her discovery about the choice of happiness.)
I knew I would evoke some negative responses by writing about a painful topic like divorce. I have received several comments and emails from some hurting divorced individuals who either felt accused by my statements or who claimed that the things I am proposing don’t work – or at least didn’t work for them.
Before I start on another suggested cause and remedy for gray divorce, I want to reiterate here that this is not meant to be an accusation against those who find themselves divorced. I also want to make it clear that while I strongly believe the principles I describe to be right and true, they offer no guarantee, because a marriage relationship involves people who are free to make choices. Some will choose poorly.
My last post was Part 1 of my suggested remedies for the gray divorce epidemic. In it I explained that one of the forces working against long-lasting marriages is the notion that has emerged with the baby boomer generation, also known as the “me generation,” that the purpose of marriage is essentially our own personal happiness. If this were true, then our marriages can be sustained only as long as our fickle and fleeting feelings are maintained. Instead, I say, let’s look at marriage as a covenant, about something higher than ourselves and our own happiness. Let’s also make a decision to find happiness inside ourselves and in God.
(For a little further inspiration along that line, I suggest you read this post from Fawn at The Happy Wives Club, where she describes her discovery about the choice of happiness.)
An Unhealthy Focus On Self
Today I’m
focusing on a gray divorce issue that is closely related to the personal
happiness issue from Part 1. It is
another paradigm that has grown immeasurably since the “me generation” began
passing through mid-life. I describe this as an unhealthy preoccupation with “self.”
I recently wrote an article for Your Tango entitled, “Why After 30 Years of Marriage the Best is Yet to Come.” In that article I said this:
I recently wrote an article for Your Tango entitled, “Why After 30 Years of Marriage the Best is Yet to Come.” In that article I said this:
If you have a habit of holding your spouse responsible for your happiness, you definitely need to learn to take that responsibility upon yourself. However, remember that if you view your marriage as being mostly about your rights and what you get out of the bargain, in the long run you are going to end up bitter and disappointed.
On the other hand, if you see your marriage primarily as an opportunity to selflessly love and generously serve your wife or husband to the best of your ability, you will the reap long-lasting benefit of a strong and close relationship.
Don’t buy the lie that a 50/50 marriage is ideal. Instead, go for 100/100, where each of you holds nothing back and gives all you have to the other.
Seeing Differently
Selfless love is the cornerstone of a surrendered marriage. It causes us to ask different questions than we me be naturally inclined to ask:
- Instead of asking, “What’s in it for me?” ask, “How can I bless you?”
- Instead of asking, “What are my rights?” ask, “What is the right thing?”
- Instead of asking, “What will advance my cause?” ask, “What will enhance my marriage?”
- Instead of asking “What can I get?” ask, “What can I give?”
The Journey
to Surrender is a journey into learning to live as one flesh. That means we
have to let go of the battle for self and learn to press into the reality that because we are
one, I win when my spouse wins. Blessing him or her actually blesses me! Taking such a
one-flesh view of your marriage will totally change to way you see your spouse
and your relationship.
Take the Risk
This thing of selfless love is risky business. There is no guarantee that your spouse will respond in kind. While selfless love is a compelling force for intimacy and passion, not everyone will respond to it. Remember, people are free to make their own choices; you can only control you.
Yet this is the kind of love we were shown by Jesus and the kind of love we are compelled to show to our spouses. He took the risk. He gave everything for us, for the sake of intimacy with us, knowing that many would reject his sacrifice and continue to live for themselves. He did it anyway.
So I urge you to step back and consider the reckless, selfless, sacrificial love of Christ. Rather than buying into the lies exemplified and extolled by the “me generation,” take the risk to love like Jesus does. It’s worth the risk.
photo credit: clker.com
Just came across this great and fitting post from Jolene at The Alabaster Jar. "The #1 Secret to a Great Marriage." Her answer: Die to Self. Check it out!
Next and last post in this series: Divorce Remedies Part 3: Getting Your Priorities Right
Next and last post in this series: Divorce Remedies Part 3: Getting Your Priorities Right
Labels:
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Sunday, July 15, 2012
Marriage's Higher Purpose
Alright, it’s
time to stop bemoaning the societal forces at play in gray divorce and start looking
for solutions.
Before I get
to that, however, I want to start with a bit of clarification on my last post.
I have received some responses that lead me to believe some may have received
what I wrote as accusation. That was not
my intention.
The focus of
my post was on the fact that self-centeredness is a significant societal force
that damages marriages. It’s an epidemic unto itself, if you will. What I was
NOT saying is that anyone who gets divorced late in life is doing it because they
are selfish. I support doing all you can to save your marriage, but I am not saying
“stay married at all costs.”
I also
believe that selfishness is one of the most destructive forces coming against
marriage today, and that gets to the heart of today’s post.
Building and
Sustaining Intimacy
Many of the
articles on gray divorce identify such causes as more financial empowerment and
independence of women, growing societal acceptance of divorce and the increase
in multiple marriages. While these facts contribute to people’s willingness to
leave a bad marriage, the real root is that so many marriages reach the later
years as little more than an empty shell.
People don’t leave a great marriage!
The real
issue with gray divorce is that so many
marriages are left untended for years on end. For many it’s a total focus on the kids and
childrearing, so when the nest is empty, so is the marriage. For others it’s becoming absorbed in
career(s) and the quest for success, only to find that worldly success has
costs them their marriage. For some it may be an inability or an unwillingness
to deal constructively with the problems that arise in every relationship,
allowing frustration and resentment to fester for years.
In all these
cases, the root of the issue is that passion and intimacy have been allowed to
die. But it doesn’t have to be that way!
To be honest,
this is why I do what I do. I believe that if people will wake up and continually
be watchful over their marriages, they can arrive at the threshold of their
later years with a marriage that is better and stronger than it’s ever been.
We have to fight the presumption of marital decline. We have to believe that our best years are always
still ahead of us, regardless of the season of life. I have a couple of ideas on how to help make that happen, which I'll be sharing over the next few posts.
Today, for part 1, I'll be addressing:
An Unhealthy Focus Happiness
In my last
post I was openly critical of baby boomers, a generation to which I belong, decrying
the reality that ours was the first generation to believe that marriage is mostly
about our own personal degree of happiness. While I do believe marriage can and
should bring you absolute joy and delight, I don’t necessarily think that is its
primary purpose or that it should be the goal we strive for.
The problem
is that people tend to look at happiness as being “out there” somewhere. If
only I marry the right person. If only
my spouse would do X or would stop doing Y.
One day when I can [fill in the blank], then I’ll be happy. We even fall into the trap of thinking that if
we work diligently enough to "fix" our marriage, then maybe someday we can be happy.
The truth is
that rather than looking at happiness as something solely external and only for your future, it’s
much better to instead find delight in your marriage and your spouse right where
you are, in whatever season you happen to find yourself. Sure, there are hardships, problems and
real issues in every relationship, but we can
choose not to let these things steal our joy and refuse to let them define our
relationship.
I said the
following in a past post, “Own Your Own Happiness.”
To me happiness is still best viewed as a by-product rather than a goal. A relationship that has personal happiness as its main goal is going to miss some deeper things that underlie a long-lasting marriage. Selflessness, surrender, intimacy, joy, peace and holiness all come to mind as worthy goals, but are things that also tend produce happiness as a result.
I’ll conclude
this post the same way I concluded that one, by pointing out that if you choose
happiness instead of waiting for it to happen to you some day, you actually
have a greater chance of finding it, both now and in the future.
So learn to
find joy in the here and now. Seek out the good stuff in your marriage and
focus on it rather than on the deficiencies. Maintain an attitude of gratitude.
Remind yourself of the reasons you fell in love with your husband or wife. Be
kind and generous regardless of your circumstances.
What do you think of my first proposed remedy for gray divorce? Do you think it would make a difference if more people focused less on their personal happiness but at the same time simply decided to "be happy?"
Next Up: Dealing with the unhealthy focus on self
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Most of these
stories reference a recently published study called “The Gray Divorce
Revolution,” co-authored by sociologists Susan Brown, co-director of the
National Center for Family and Marriage Research at Bowling Green State
University and I-Fen Lin.
The Facts
In 1990, one
in ten divorces occurred in couples ages 50 and older. In 2009, that number doubled to two in
ten. For those previously married, it
has skyrocketed to one in four, a 250% increase.
Over the two
decades represented by the study, there has been a significant increase in the
percentage of people in this age group on their second and third marriages. In
1980 45% of singles were divorced. In
2009, that percentage increased to 58%. The marriage failure rate is
historically much higher for multiple marriages.
The Real Problem? The ME Generation!
While general
societal acceptance of divorce and the increased earning power of women are
both sited as key factors influencing the rise in gray divorce, I tend to pin
it on something else.
The baby
boomer generation, which I am part of, is also called the “Me Generation.” That’s a fitting but sad moniker and also a
key to understanding the gray divorce epidemic.
Dr. Brown
describes the attitudinal shift concerning marriage that occurred with this
generation, which had “for the first time, a focus on marriage needing to make
individuals happy, rather than on how well each individual fulfilled their
marital roles." She goes on to say that the problem “springs at least in part from
boomers' status as the first generation to enter into marriage with goals
largely focused on self-fulfillment.”
In other
words, with the me generation, marriage became all about me and making
me happy, rather than about us becoming one and serving one another.
Sadly, this “it’s
all about me” notion has become even more prevalent in subsequent generations.
Don’t believe
me? Just listen to the abject selfishness
extolled by this Fox Business "expert commentator" (a divorce attorney extraordinaire, whatever that is) in her report on
this study:
Did you count
how many times she said “me” and “my” and “I” in explaining and defending the
gray divorce trend. Did you catch this gem: “It’s time to think about me as an individual, not as a
marital partnership.”
What? I’m
sorry, but to me she kind of misses the whole point of marriage, at least of
marriage how I think God intends it to be. And this goes to the very heart of the problem.
Today, while about to put up this post, I came across an amazing quote. Thanks to my therapist niece for sharing it:
"Destructive to marriage is the self-fulfillment ethic that assumes marriage and the family are primarily institutions of personal fulfillment, necessary for us to become "whole" and happy. The assumption is that there is someone just right for us to marry and that if we look closely enough we will find the right person. This moral assumption overlooks a crucial aspect to marriage. It fails to appreciate the fact that we always marry the wrong person.We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being [the enormous thing it is] means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary challenge of marriage is learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married."Duke University Ethics professor Stanley Hauerwas
It sums up the problem pretty well.
In my next
three posts I’ll share my thoughts on what can be done to fight the gray divorce
epidemic. Meanwhile, I’d love to hear
your thoughts.
Links to My Three Remedies for Gray Divorce:
Links to My Three Remedies for Gray Divorce:
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Today I’m
addressing wives about their role in getting their husbands to lean in and engage. (Sorry if you were looking for a post on a different kind of lean!)
Note: The inverse rule for Man-up Monday applies here. Husbands can eavesdrop on this post, but you may not use this as a weapon on your wife!
Note: The inverse rule for Man-up Monday applies here. Husbands can eavesdrop on this post, but you may not use this as a weapon on your wife!
One Root of the Engagement Issue
You’ve probably heard the feminist adage:
A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
It’s sadly
ironic that this phrase, often quoted by feminist Gloria Steinem, but originally
coined by Irina Dunn, is actually derived from another even more appalling philosophical
quote:
Man needs God like a fish needs a bicycle.*
I very
intentionally aim what I write in this blog toward Christian marriages, so I
doubt that many reading here would subscribe to the second quote. However, I wonder how many Christian wives
have subtly bought into the first quote without even being aware of it.
The truth is,
God designed husbands and wives to need each other. He
hardwired us with a desire for martial intimacy, because its’ a model of
our desire for intimacy with God and his desire for intimacy with us. As it is with
God, we can stuff down or try to deny that need, but it is there whether we
admit it or not.
While modern
feminism has done great things for women’s rights, I’m afraid there has been
some significant collateral damage. One of the unintended consequences is the
issue I’m addressing today: husbands failing to engage in their marriages. There
is a prevailing societal message to husbands that they are superfluous, or
worse, an impediment to a woman’s fulfillment, something to work around instead
of someone to work with. This message is so pervasive that it seems to have
been completely normalized – just accepted as the way things are, without a conscious
thought.
Is it any
surprise, then, that men often fail to lean in and take up their place in their
marriages?
What’s a Wife to Do?
First, I
suggest that you acknowledge your need for your husband. This may or may not be
difficult for you to admit, but either way I encourage you to press fully into
the truth that in marriage you and he are “one flesh,” which means that you are spiritually, sexually, emotionally, and financially one. Being one in all things means that operating independently from him is not an
option. Your husband is not another thing to put on your to do list, because your relationship to him is unlike your relationship to
anything else in your life.
That’s not to
say that you have to both be involved in everything together – that’s a total overreach.
But if your mindset tends toward seeing
your husband as an impediment instead of a partner, you need to change your
thinking.
Maybe having
the right mindset is not your issue. Perhaps
you are just frustrated that you cannot get your husband to engage, to lean in
and fully partner with you. So what can
you do to encourage your husband to step up and take a more active role in your
marriage and family?
Show Him You Need Him
Whether from societal messaging, the tendencies of his own personality or the strength of yours, or because he senses your desire for independence, your husband will respond positively if you just show him that you need him.
But how you
do that matters – a lot.
If you express your need for him to engage in the form of demands or ultimatums, he will receive it as disrespect and criticism, which will only drive him to further disengage. Whining, complaining and angry tirades will have the same negative result of pushing him further away.
Here are a few suggestions for an alternate approach.
Show affection. Instead of asking “why don’t you ever do the dishes?”
Instead, try resting your head on his shoulder and saying, “I’m so tired. I know you are tired too, but can we quickly
take care of these dishes together and then go snuggle up on the couch and
relax?” Focus on your need, not his behavior. I know what you are thinking, if
I snuggle with him then I might have to…” That leads me to the next topic.
Show him you want
him sexually. You might not see an
obvious connection here, but most (though not all) men see sex as a path to
connection and intimacy, whereas most women need connection and intimacy in
order to be open to sex. But chances are that if you make the first move in
this marital game of cat and mouse, assuming you actually show genuine desire
for him, he will almost certainly respond by engaging in other areas. Let me be
blunt: if your husband feels rebuffed sexually he will eventually disengage
from your marriage.
Show admiration and appreciation. Thank him for every bit
of engagement he delivers. “Thank you so much for listening to me go on and on tonight
about my work situation. It’s so good for me when you help me see things more
clearly. I love how you always see the big picture.” Even if his attention
seemed to drift once in a while during the conversation, acknowledge the
positive and don’t harp on the negative. If you reinforce the positive, you
will see more of it.
There is no
quick fix, but if you consistently
demonstrate your love through admiration, affection, appreciation and
sexual connection it’s highly likely that your husband will respond positively.
I’m sure I’ve missed
some tips for getting your husband to be more fully engaged. What approaches have you taken to help your
man lean into your marriage?
*Phrase
finder source: http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/414150.html
Monday, July 2, 2012
Today I’m
addressing husbands as part of my occasional Man-Up Monday feature. (Ladies,
you can eavesdrop, but this is NOT a weapon for you to use against your
husband. Stop back on Wednesday for your
half of the “leaning” equation.)
Listen up guys!
I’m challenging you to do a bit of serious self-reflection today about your
level of engagement in your marriage. Before you jump to your default defense,
“I do plenty for my wife and kids,” please read and consider this post in its
entirety.
Leaning In or Leaning Back
Here’s the
deal: Way too many husbands these day are leaning back when it comes to their
marriages. For a whole host of reasons, they have opted not to engage the
leadership capacity they have been blessed with. When they forsake their roles,
they leave their wives to bear the brunt of family and marital responsibility.
Leaning into
your marriage means lowering your shoulder and doing the heavy lifting in your
home. I’m not talking about moving furniture, though that may be required occasionally.
What I’m referring to is making your marriage a high priority, being willing to
do the daily work of making your marriage great by completely engaging with
your wife and by being the kind of loving leader she wants and needs.
Below I offer
up a few stereotypical examples of husbands who are leaning back. Though they
are somewhat overstated and oversimplified, look for signs of these gentlemen
in your own life and marriage:
Absent Andy – Andy is an absentee father and
husband. He’s constantly traveling on
business, working late hours, and when he is home he disrupts family time with
business calls and is chained to his Blackberry 24/7. His career is his highest
priority, though he tries to convince himself that he is doing it all in order
to provide for the family. Andy completely misses the fact that his wife would
much rather trade her Lexus for a Chevy and have more time with her husband.
Paycheck Paul – Paul is a close cousin to
Andy. He sees his family responsibilities
ending once his paycheck is deposited in the bank. Despite being driven by the
almighty dollar, he often leaves the burden of actually managing the finances
to his wife, though he is quick to criticize her decisions from the back
seat. Paul and his wife are little more than a roommates, married in name only.
Distant Dan – Dan is leaning way back, completely
disengaged from his wife and family. He has decided that he has no authority or
is afraid to exercise it. He doesn’t
take responsibility for much of anything and declines to make decisions. He may claim the excuse that his wife is just
going to criticize him anyway, so he doesn’t even try. He has given up on leading
his family, but his wife receives his indifference as a lack of love for her.
Sporty Steve – Steve is completely preoccupied by
sports (insert the name of your outside interests here). He pours all his
mental and emotional energy into watching sports on TV or attending sporting
events. He lives and breathes sports but
does little to share his passion for sports with his wife and family. He shows
no interest in the things she cares about, claiming he has no time. He doesn’t see that his actions make her a
practical widow.
Heavy-Handed Harry – Harry has the opposite problem of
the other guys, but I'm including him here as a reminder that you can err on the other side. He’s a bit of a thug in his own home. Instead of leaning back
and disengaging, he abuses his authority and oppressively leans on his wife in a demanding and demeaning way. He
can be pushy and overbearing, treating his wife as if she is there to do his
bidding. He doesn’t see that he is driving her away, possibly into the arms of another
man who will treat her better.
Man Up and Lean In
I encourage
you to look through this list of areas where you might consider leaning in a
bit more and making sure you are engaging on a level that is appropriate – a level that says “I
love you” to your wife:
- Financially – budgeting, planning, managing money, setting goals
- Spiritually – praying with and for your wife and family, attending church together, talking about what God is doing
- Sexually – yes there are men that need to hear this
- Parentally – guiding and instructing the kids, discipline, spending time with them, giving your wife time off
- Practically – helping out with the house, yard, dishes, cooking, laundry
- Recreationally – planning vacations, fun activities with the family, movies, sports
- Emotionally – being available and interested in your wife’s life, emotionally supportive, being a friend
- Romantically – non-sexual touch, sweet notes and love letters, hold hands, date nights
Maybe you
think I’m asking you to be superman with this list. I’m not saying you need to
do all these things all the time. I’m
saying you need to lean into them. Talk the list over with your wife and find
out what things are most important to her.
Ask her for her input, and prioritize accordingly.
I’ve discovered that wives
everywhere are longing for their husbands to lean in a little more, take a bit
more responsibility and engage more fully.
Doubt me? I dare you to ask your
wife.
photo credit: Flicker
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